Regret
by makorrian
Summary: She could have been his, but now, it was too late. She wasn't. Makorra.


"_Admit it. You like me."_

* * *

He wakes with a start, eyes flying wide open, the memory still fresh in his mind. He sucks in a deep, shuddering breath, then closes his eyes; it's as if he's transported back into that moment, that moment that could have changed everything, that moment where he had a choice; to stay, or to walk away.

He sees her standing there as if it had happened yesterday, hands planted firmly on her hips, head tilted slightly in a smug, self-sure manner, blue eyes bright in the semi-darkness of the early night as she leans towards him.

And Mako knows why the memory's come back to haunt him now; it's been exactly one year. One year since the wedding. This realization troubles him to the point where he abruptly sits up in bed, hands tightly fisted into the covers as he stares into the darkness of the room.

She wakes at the rustle of the covers; she's always been a light sleeper. "What is it?" she asks, rolling over to face him, worry evident in her tone.

"Nothing," he says quietly. "Go back to sleep. I'm going to go for a walk, just to clear my mind."

She frowns at this, but says nothing, though her disapproval is clear. "Be careful not to wake the baby, Mako."

He nods brusquely to indicate that he's heard her, then hurries out of the room. _Their_ bedroom.

* * *

"_Oh, you're saying it's _my_ fault we lost? Mine? Because you, Mr. Team Captain, decided to get in the way because you thought _I _couldn't manage? Well I'll have you know that-"_

"_Ugh!" he cuts her off, throwing up his hands in aggravation. "Whatever, Korra! The point is, we have to do better or we're out of the championship. We have to work together as a _team_, which you seem to have trouble understanding when you roar off on your own thinking you can take on the whole world by yourself. Well, you can't! In case your encounter with Amon didn't teach you that!"_

_As soon as the words have left his mouth, he knows he's gone too far. He sees her blue eyes widen, hurt replacing the fury in them, then, suddenly, an icy fury replacing the hurt. She takes off her helmet, tosses it at his feet._

"_I'm done." The words echo around the empty locker room, and before he can react, before he can fall to his knees and apologize and beg her to stay, she's left, the door slamming in her wake. _

* * *

His hands shoved deep into his pockets, he slowly walks through their new neighborhood towards the park; their park. That was their first real argument, the one that, inevitably, set them on a collision course. He'd been too focused on winning, she'd been too self-centered; they both had their flaws.

Bolin was the one to go after her; Bolin was the one to apologize for Mako's anger. Bolin was the one who got Korra back on the team; therefore, Bolin was the reason they'd won the championship. Because, loath as Mako was to admit it then, they couldn't have won without Korra.

He should have seen it. _That_ was the start of it. If only he'd gone after her. If only he'd apologized. Otherwise, maybe _it_ would never have happened.

* * *

"_So, what's going on with you and Korra?" Mako can't hide the slight note of jealousy that creeps into his tone as he confronts his brother, though he knows he has no right to be jealous. Not when he has a girlfriend. Asami. But he knows that Bolin's harbored an unrequited crush on Korra ever since they met. _

_Bolin holds up his hands innocently. "Nothing, really. I mean, we're going to dinner and the movies today, but-"_

"_You went out to dinner a few days ago. You better be careful not to waste all your money, Bolin." Mako snaps._

_Suddenly, Bolin's fighting back, something which surprises Mako; especially in this case. "It's not wasting money, Mako. She's worth it; she's worth every yuan." _

_Bolin doesn't even bother to remind Mako that money isn't a problem, not since they won the championship. Because they both know Mako already knew this. _

_Bolin storms out of their new, fancy apartment, leaving Mako to reflect upon the fact that Bolin and Korra were definitely getting a little too cozy for his liking._

_Not that he had any right to care. _

* * *

He sits down on a bench, closing his eyes, his throat constricting painfully. Because nothing changed the fact that he'd had a chance.

And he hadn't taken it.

* * *

"_Admit it. You like me."_

"_Korra.. I-I.. this wouldn't work."_

"_What makes you so sure?"_

"_Look, Bolin likes you. I can't hurt him. And I… I.. love.. Asami."_

* * *

The moment the words had left his mouth, he knew they were a lie. He'd liked Asami, but he didn't love her. He didn't love her in a way that left him breathless, didn't know with unfailing certainty that she was the one he wanted to marry, didn't think she was the one he wanted to spend his life with.

Korra was the one who took his breath away. She was the one he secretly pined for, the one he envisioned himself marrying, having children with, the one who, in his eyes, was the most dazzling creature to walk this earth when she smiled.

And he had been _so afraid of losing her_. So afraid that he wouldn't be good enough; so afraid that, one day, someone else would catch her eye, and he would be left there alone to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart.

Mako had never been so afraid, never had been so unsure of how to deal with something; the strength of his feelings for her frightened him.

So he ran.

But a small part of him had hoped Korra would hear the lie in his voice as he'd uttered those fateful words – _"I love Asami." _– had hoped she would call him out on it. But she didn't.

She never knew he lied. And now, it was too late.

And Mako could never forgive himself for hurting her so; neither could he ever forgive himself for the choice he made.

* * *

_She steps back, as if she's literally been knocked off-balance. Her eyes widen, the pain in them so profound that it nearly overwhelms him too, tears swimming in their blue depths. _

"_I thought.. you.. you don't want me?"_

_The way she says it breaks his heart, as if he's kicked a puppy out into the rain. And he so badly wants to open his mouth, to tell her "Of course I do, Korra, I love you," but he's so afraid, because she's Korra. Because one day, she'll have left him behind, sitting in the dust in her wake as she tears off somewhere else, on another adventure, with someone else. _

_She deserves so much better, too, not the insecure fool, the controlling jerk, the brooding person who has trouble expressing his emotions that he is. _

_Never mind that he loves her. Never mind that she loves him. And never mind that she wants to be with him, that she's chosen him._

_He closes his eyes as the word that will change his life forever escapes his lips in a whisper._

"_No."_

* * *

It begins to rain. Mako thinks this is fitting, all things considering, and as he lifts his face to the rain, he's not sure if it's raindrops or tears slipping down his face.

He had changed his mind.

He'd told her everything, told her he wanted to be with her, but by the time he'd mustered enough courage to tell her, it was too late.

And one year ago was the day; just when he'd thought things couldn't get worse for him, when he'd still clung onto the thin thread of hope that maybe, just maybe, things _could _change.

* * *

"_I now pronounce you man and wife!" _

_The cheers and applause are deafening, and he can't take it. He can't stand to see her there, the most beautiful sight he's ever seen, the most beautiful sight he ever will see. He can't stand to see her kiss his brother. He can't stand to know that he could have been the one at the altar, kissing her._

_He can't stand to know it's his fault. _

_Mako makes his way through the party, ducking outside to escape the happiness that he can't take part in, the happiness that, hard as he's tried, he's unable to feel for the newlyweds._

_But, despite this, Bolin deserves to be happy; Mako can't, won't ruin this for his brother even if he could. Even if there was a chance that she.. _

"_Hey, Mr. Hat Trick." _

_She's found him – of course she has. Nobody else knows his mind the way she does. Her arms are crossed due to the cold, her white dress blowing slightly in the breeze. She smiles at him; it's a sad smile, melancholy and full of regret. _

_She's so beautiful. And it breaks his heart that her beauty.. is not for him. Not for his eyes, his hands, his touch. _

"_Hey, Korra," he says quietly, unable to meet her gaze. "Congratulations."_

"_Are you in love with me?" The question takes him by surprise; but really, Korra has always been one to get directly to the point._

_He blinks back the tears that threaten to fall._

"_Yes."_

_And he turns and walks away, because this won't, _can't_ change anything._

* * *

Mako had married Asami. To this day, he didn't know why. Maybe it was because she loved him; unconditionally, it seemed, and she had wanted him back. Maybe it had simply been the easy way out, a distraction, a way to dull the pain.

Either way, she had been there for him. And over time, he'd come to love her. Though not in the way he loves Korra.

He doesn't think that things will change, not now. Not now that both of them have come so far in their respective lives; he has a kid. Korra's expecting twins.

Mako remembers the near brush she had with death a few years ago, and he wonders what would be worse; having lost her forever, or merely having lost her the way he did – what would hurt more?

He's not sure; the only thing he knows is that it still hurts. Almost too much to bear.

With a heavy heart, he gets up and slowly heads back home. Home, to his wife that he isn't in love with, who he doesn't love the way he should. To a child; one who he loves, yes, but a child which should have been his and Korra's. To the apartment, that has never felt like home, not really.

Because home is where _she_ is, and she will never be with him.

He will love her forever, and she will never be his.

And it's his fault.


End file.
